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February 6, 2010 – 2:35 pm

In my food and addiction series, I’m trying to examine, consider and write about the issues in a more or less pragmatic manner. But things come up. While I’m trying to understand and really take a close look at how compulsive eating mirrors addiction (at the least) I am also living it.

I am in the middle of a – shall we call it a hump? – depression right now. I deal with some depression much of the time and I have periods more severe depression, of which this is one. One of the unhealthy uses of food is to try to self-treat or mask depression.

The thing is, I reach for comfort foods to feel better. I crave and obsess about foods that my head says will make everything better. Eating can temporarily numb out feelings for me.

The flip side of that is that eating does not make me feel better. It doesn’t help hardly at all, even in the short term. And when I do give in to the impulse and eat, I end up feeling worse, more depressed, beating myself up for my failures once again.

This is not a healthy pattern. This is an addiction pattern. I doubt that I will ever be able to shed this pattern entirely – but we’ll get to that. The understanding of the patterns and behaviors comes before the solving of them, at least the long term solving. In the short term, I need to break the cycle. Each time I don’t eat in response to feelings is a step in the right direction.

All posts in this series.

By Zazzy | Posted in Eating and Addiction | Tagged , | Comments (2)

the dark

February 4, 2010 – 1:57 am

I don’t write much about the dark times these days. It isn’t because they’ve gone away, it’s more that writing about it feels old and tired and far too self-pitying. I know I’ve said before at some point that the strangest thing for me is that down here in the rabbit hole, I don’t really feel sad. I don’t feel much of anything at all. Everything seems so clear.

We hold these truths to be self evident… Nothing ever really changes. Certain things are true and will continue to be true. Maybe nothing we do ever really matters.

I’m sorry. I don’t want to keep playing this old refrain. But there it is, always coming back no matter what I think I’ve done to banish it, control it, change it.

By Zazzy | Posted in Introspection | Tagged | Comments (6)

is that a wow moment?

February 3, 2010 – 12:09 am

We have this thing in group called “wow moments” in which we talk about something that has been exceptional or has made us say “wow” since having the weight loss surgery. I’ve had a lot of them including things like shrinking out of old clothes that were formerly too tight and having to keep adjusting my car seat forward as I lost weight. This one is a little odd and I don’t know whether I’ll share it or whether it’ll make much sense.

It’s been a tough few months. Starting in November I’ve had two colds, a stomach bug, bronchitis, my mom’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, the stomach flu (a whole new level of suck), my dad having sudden serious symptoms of dementia and me getting diagnosed with warped corneas. I’ve missed a lot of rehab between being sick, holidays, and two snow storms. My eating has been up and down. Sometimes I do well with my plan, other times I find myself grazing and carbing out.

But, even with all that, I’ve managed to lose a little weight. I’ve bounced up and down some but overall, I think I’m down about 10 pounds since the beginning of November. And though I’ve eaten like a crazy person at times, I have not eaten like the crazy person I used to be.

I’m relatively sure I will get back on track – especially since I sat outside myself and watched myself last night. I don’t want to eat to stuff the feelings down. I don’t want to feel out of control. But what’s most important is that even when doing badly – I’m doing better than I used to do. My a1c is 5.7 (down slightly) and my blood sugars are amazingly stable.

So I say wow that even though I’ve been far from perfect, I’m still okay.

By Zazzy | Posted in Diabetic Zaz, Lap-Band | Comments (2)

silence

February 1, 2010 – 10:20 pm

“Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended,
the more difficult it is to find anything to say.” – Samuel Johnson

I’ve been feeling quiet lately. You know these times come and go. Life, I noted today, just feels a little overwhelming. But I never shut up for that long, so I reckon I will be back soon.

By Zazzy | Posted in Quickie | Comments (3)

normal excess versus food abuse

January 23, 2010 – 2:41 pm

This has been a difficult topic. There seems to be a clear, yet ill defined gray area between what is normal and what is abuse. You could, back to our alcohol example, characterize any over-use of alcohol as abusive drinking and some people would do so. I see a subsection of over-use as essentially normal behavior. Say, for example, that you have a couple drinks too many at a wedding or a super bowl party. It’s not a frequent behavior and for the sake of the example, say there are no real consequences to it. On the one hand, any over-use is outside of the ideal but on the other, it’s still more or less within the “social use” framework.

Food seems to me to be even more complex. Within it’s complexity, I’m afraid, are my own issues and desire to rationalize bad behavior. Do so-called normal eaters really always stop when they are full? Do they really only eat the foods that are good for them? Do they really never eat when they aren’t hungry? It may be easy to be too rigid in our definition of the ideal “normal eater.” But then again, once you start stretching that definition, it is easy to rationalize or justify bad eating behaviors.

What might we call “normal excess” then? A good example is probably Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a holiday built around food, or so it seems. Many, but certainly not all, people over-eat on a holiday like Thanksgiving. It’s almost expected that you will over-eat. We as a society seem to have an ideal of the holiday that includes a large number of dishes, some of which are only made during the holiday season. We expect to gain weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is enough of a “normal” behavior to be stereotyped.

I don’t think we could fairly characterize someone as a binge eater based solely on Thanksgiving behavior. So where is that line? Along with Thanksgiving, there are a myriad of other days that can one may stereotypically overeat. That same Superbowl party where we had a couple too many drinks is bound to have been full of snack foods and other treats. We may eat too much candy around Halloween. We want to get our money’s worth at that buffet.

The line, in my view, has to do with frequency and consequences. The more my food behavior impacts my life, the more it moves from “normal excess” to abuse. It also seems that the more my food behavior moves toward abuse, the greater my desire to rationalize it. I suspect that most of us with issues around food and eating are well aware that we eat too much or make bad food choices. It is not comfortable to admit that we are making these bad choices – it creates a state of cognitive dissonance and therefore, we want to explain away the behavior.

The thing is, that human beings seem to have an almost limitless ability to rationalize. If you want to eat too much or drink too much, you will find a reason to do so. “It’s not that much.” “I deserve a treat.” “Everyone else is eating those doughnuts.” “I’ll do better after the holidays.” “I am so depressed.” “Everyone eats too much at a buffet!” “It’s a celebration, I don’t usually eat this much.” “My team won!” “My team lost!” Chances are, however, if you have to rationalize your behavior then it’s outside of what might be considered “normal.”

Again, when our eating behaviors begin to have a serious impact on our life areas, we have moved from the social use arena into abusive eating behaviors.

Coming up: Abusive Eating – When is it really, really a problem?

All posts in this series.

By Zazzy | Posted in Eating and Addiction | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (7)

over the top

January 19, 2010 – 3:48 pm

My friend Minnesota Nice gave me a nice mention and an award on her blog last week. It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these but how can you say no when someone says nice things about you?

Here are my responses to the survey

1. Where is your cell phone? On the desk beside me.

2. Your hair? Unruly.

3. Your mother? Alzheimer’s.

4. Your father? Getting old.

5. Your favorite food? Fresh hot homemade bread with lots of real butter.

6. Your dream last night? Having to pee. Repeatedly.

7. Your favorite drink? Right now, green tea.

8. Your dream/goal? Happiness.

9. What room are you in? Bedroom.

10. Your hobby? Computer geek wannabe.

11. Your fear? Losing my sight.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Independent again.

13. Where were you last night? Home.

14. Something you aren’t? Thin.

15. Muffins? Raisin Bran.

16. Wish list item? A cure for Alzheimer’s.

17. Where did you grow up? A suburb on Kansas City.

18. Last thing you did? The dishes.

19. What are you wearing? An old green polo shirt and too-big blue pants.

20. Your tv? Don’t own one.

21. Your pets? Anastasia.

22. Your friends? Too far away.

23. Your life? Tiring.

24. Your mood? Sad.

25. MIssing someone? My mom.

26. Vehicle? Sissy-ass SUV.

27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes.

28. Your favorite store? Pretty much any bookstore.

29. Your favorite color? I don’t play favorites.

30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday with Mom.

31. Cried? I’m not sure.

32. Your best friend? Pug.

33.One place that I go over and over? Walmart.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Sharon.

35. Favorite place to eat? Mr. Yen’s.

Now comes the time that I’m supposed to pass the torch. It’s hard. If I read your blog it’s because I value what you have to say, I enjoy what you write, you’re all over the top. But also, most of my blogger-friends are no longer blogging. Most of the blogs I read are written by strangers. Of course, I got to know most of my old blogger-friends through their blogs but that’s not really happening now. I find it hard to comment any more, to reach out.

I read an interesting guest post on Change Your Thoughts for True this morning about the benefits of blogging. I agree in large part with what she said. Blogging helps get the crap out of my brain where I can “see” it and deal with it more rationally and less obsess-in-the-dark-ly. It reminds me that I’m not alone. The average personal blogger is probably a small niche blogger. We don’t have a lot of readers because there are few people who are going to identify with our small niche. At least that’s what I like to tell myself. But the readers I do have identify in some small or large way with the things I write. It’s important to me. I’m not so alone. And yes, getting out of my own head and listening to others’ perspectives is important to me, too.

I don’t know who I would nominate. “Everyone I read” feels like such a cop-out. Perhaps it’s just the wrong day to try to decide.

By Zazzy | Posted in Miscellzany | Comments (7)

lessons learned

January 17, 2010 – 7:42 pm

It has been such a long week! First, let me state clearly that stomach flu with the lap-band equals a whole new level of suck. Now, what are the lessons I learned?

First, although it’s scary and painful, probably the band is not going to slip while attempting to vomit with the lap-band. Sugarless gum may help to calm the stomach some and decrease episodes of vomiting. Maybe.

Stay hydrated. It’s hard to even get liquids down when you’re feeling sick and vomiting seems to swell the tissue around the band (I assume) and drinking is harder than normal. Keep drinking. Try sugar free popsicles. Try whatever you can get down.

When you feel better and get hungry and think you want to eat normal foods – don’t. It could just be me but I suspect it’s not. I do think this is at least in part a lap-band issue. My stomach has been extremely sensitive. Saturday was the first time I ate something without getting sick again. So, after having the stomach flu – think bland and soft foods.

I spent some time obsessing that I’d damaged the band. I felt like I had no restriction. Looking back, I was eating only soft foods. As soon as I tried something more solid again, it was clear I had restriction. I had to stick with soft – and bland – for several more days but I’m back to more or less normal now. Normal for me, that is.

So, that’s what I learned about coping with stomach flu with the lap-band. In a lot of ways, it’s not that different from anyone else. I think it just requires a little more thought and the recovery process was really slow because of increased sensitivity of my system. Could be that was just this particular flu or it could be a lap-band issue. Either way, I’ll be more ready to deal with this the next time.

Oh please let there be no next time.

By Zazzy | Posted in Band Lessons | Comments (4)

still here

January 14, 2010 – 10:20 pm

I just wanted to say I’m still here. I’m having a long recovery from this stomach bug. I’m not sure whether that’s a lap-band issue or just this particular bug. It made sense Tuesday…..less Wednesday…..and today I’m thinking this is just ridiculous.

Also, I have not forgotten about my food addictions series. The next section is trickier to write about than I had thought. I hope it will make sense when I finally get it done.

By Zazzy | Posted in Quickie | Comments (2)

surviving the stomach flu

January 12, 2010 – 1:09 pm

This is not a post for everyone. I warn you now, if the post title didn’t warn you enough, it has the potential to get graphic. This post is for other lap-banders who are scared of what might happen if they get the stomach flu. Let’s face it, it may not happen very often (oh please don’t let it happen very often) but most of us do succumb to the stomach flu eventually.

Mine hit on Sunday. It’s Tuesday, I think, and I’m still alive. Maybe that’s all I need to say. I survived.

This was also the ironic flu. I spent all last week telling myself that if I made it through the week on plan, I’d have a special treat on Sunday. I know I’m going to eat off plan and I want to learn to do that in a controlled way rather than my usual chaos and guilt. It sounds reasonable. I tried to stick to a fairly healthy meal plan Sunday despite my plan to make a half batch of sugar cookies (and freeze most of the dough) but I ate about 2 bites of my oven barbecued country ribs before it became clear I wasn’t going to eat anything else, including the planned sugar cookies.

And the pity is, those ribs turned out really well and I can’t stand the smell of them right now. I hope they freeze and reheat well.

I find I want to whine and tell you every detail. I want to moan about how I lay in bed in jammies and fuzzy robe with heating pad and not one but two down comforters covering me as I shivered with the chills. But that’s not the point. The point is the lap-band thing.

Somewhere in the middle of the night is when I started heaving. I hate vomiting on the best day and this was particularly horrible because the band would not let anything past. I heaved and heaved until my ribs hurt but nothing was going to come by that band. That is not a nice feeling and all those horror stories they tell you about the band slipping and your stomach pushing up past the band filled my fever addled brain during the rest of the night. I seriously thought about going to the emergency room to get unfilled but the thought of being driven half an hour to the nearest ER was much to awful to contemplate.

Still, I survived. I woke up yesterday morning with my fever broken and headed back down toward normal. I was as weak as anyone is after a bout of the stomach flu and I slept off and on most of the day. I tried to eat a little but a couple bites of chicken soup or oatmeal were all I could take. I really should have tried a protein shake but I just don’t like them and trying to force myself to drink that when I was already nauseous didn’t sound appealing.

And yes, I worried. Did I damage the band? Should I be rushing off to see the surgeon as soon as I was capable of rushing off anywhere? So I did some reading. It seems that it’s perfectly normal for lap-banders who have had the stomach flu to be a bit swollen and unable to eat normally for a few days. My surgeon has previously told me that a single bout of stomach flu was unlikely to do any damage – it’s repeated bulimia type vomiting that can cause problems. I’m slightly more able to eat today although nothing sounds very good right now. I think it’s just going to take a bit longer than it normally would to recover from this.

So I’ve survived. I’m drinking my tea and trying to rehydrate. I’m upright for a little while at a time now and I’m hoping that by tomorrow I’ll be more or less my normal self. And I’m hoping that I didn’t carry whatever bug got me into the nursing home and generously give it too all the old ladies there.

NB: I forgot to mention a possibly helpful tip. As it happened, I was listening to NPR on my way to Cassville on Sunday and The People’s Pharmacy was on digestive health. They mentioned, at some point during the show, that sugarless gum was good for reflux because not only does it cause you to produce saliva, it encourages peristalsis to work the right direction so stomach acids don’t reflux. But also, saliva apparently produces a form of bicarbonate which may help to reduce the acid to begin with. I found that chewing sugarless gum while so nauseous seemed to help.

By Zazzy | Posted in Band Lessons, Lap-Band | Comments (7)

new beginnings

January 4, 2010 – 8:35 pm

It’s the start of a new year and as others have noted, a time when we’re filled with enthusiasm to make those changes we’ve been promising to make. The problem is, that kind of enthusiasm generally doesn’t last through the doldrums of winter.

I’ve been posting New Year’s quotes over on FaceBook and I notice a trend in the quotations that are appealing to me.

    “Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.” ~Hal Borland

    “Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~ Buddha

I don’t make resolutions but that doesn’t mean I don’t have goals. As such, I like what Leo had to say, especially “Reinvent yourself, every day.”

The problem I have with big goals at the new year is that it is just my old procrastination behavior in another guise. “I’ll start on Monday,” “I’ll begin again at the beginning of the month,” “I’ve already had a bad day, week, month… I will start again …”

For me to be successful I have to start again every day – sometimes more than once in a day. I have to let go of past failures and expectations and believe I can do this right now. It’s hard. These are very old habits.

    “Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Brooks Atkinson
By Zazzy | Posted in One Day at a Time | Comments (1)

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