I’ve been working through my personal axioms lately, combining a few, rewording a few. I’ve wanted to clarify to myself exactly what I meant and I’ve tagged posts where I spent some time discussing each axiom. The one I don’t seem to have talked much about although it’s been on my list since the beginning is Do What Matters.
In December, I I wrote about goals. In focusing on One Goal, I am essentially doing what matters, at least for now. I’ve spent time over the past few years coming to understand what matters – and what I have some control over and what I don’t.
There are so many things I want to do and sometimes they all seem to have equal importance and priority. Clearly I can’t accomplish everything at once. When I tried to separate them and prioritize – as a means of getting out of the swamp – I kept coming back to one thing and in many ways, it seems the most trivial.
All roads in the swamp lead back to my weight. My diabetes control, my general health, my activity level, my self esteem and confidence, my socialization and even my employment prospects – all tie in somewhere to my weight.
Writing that seems really strange. It seems like such a superficial thing. When you ask, “what really matters?” the answer should not come back, “my weight.”
Maybe that’s true when you’re 10 or 20 pounds overweight. I don’t know where the line is but I know that there is a point where it’s no longer a shallow or silly problem. I don’t think I’ve wanted to admit that. It’s not that there aren’t more important things in my life. My list of what matters includes my family and people I love, my finances, my environment, my concerns about the world at large, et cetera. Surely all of those things are more important than such a shallow goal – I want to lose weight. I suppose that while I told myself it was shallow, I didn’t really have to do anything about it.
But I passed the line where it was a shallow, superficial goal. I reached a point where it was having serious consequences in my life. As of yesterday, since I’ve been working on this One Goal I’ve lost 79 pounds. I’m way past the point where it is only a self-esteem issue. It really does tie into every area of my life.
For now, losing weight – getting healthier – getting active – feeling better – that’s what matters. There are a lot of things I have no control over and they matter. There are family and friends and they matter. There’s the world, the environment, cancer, stem cells, and so many things that matter. For me to be able to be there, to be a part of those things, a part of solving some of those things – I have to be alive and be healthy. So this is what matters for now.
Sometimes it still feels shallow and egocentric. I try to remind myself that it matters. Each and every step matters.
13 Comments
I think you’re taking some huge steps and it is not shallow to want to be healthy and take care of yourself. I’m so proud of you Zaz, 79 pounds is absolutely fantastic.
I don’t think it is shallow, it is not shallow to want to be healthier, to be around for yourself, your family and friends, to be alive to do what you can for the world, not shallow at all.
I think you have been doing amazingly well, 79lbs is a lot, I don’t think I can carry a backpack that heavy without hurting my back and shoulders and would nearly immobilize me I think, so it must feel amazing to not have to carry that weight around with you anymore, at least I hope it does,
You are doing great and I am amazed at your progress and cheering you on, just make sure to stop losing weight sometime since I don’t want you to just poof out of existence you know?
I was raised to believe that anything to do with appearance is vain and shallow. Not entirely sure how I came to believe that, perhaps because of the messages that being smart mattered more than being pretty — combined of course with the messages that people wouldn’t like me because I wasn’t pretty. But wanting to be pretty was shallow so I should be proud of being smart…
It is confusing what you pick up on as a kid. Crazy stuff that stays in your head.
Thank you both for your support. I’m still caught up with the semi-sadness that 79 pounds is a LOT of weight and yet there’s so much left to lose. I hate that I got this far past the line. I’m glad to be making progress yet confused about whether I should be proud since it’s such a shallow goal.
I guess thinking positive hasn’t completely cured me of my insanities!
…….a shallow goal? Don’t even think it!!! Losing weight to feel better, to be healthier, and to more fuly participate in life is not a shallow goal. It is a responsible goal – to get the best from life and to give your best back. (And I say, if you look better, bask and savor)
79 pounds is huge. Your knees and other joints know the difference; your large and small vessels know the difference; your heart and lungs know the difference……………………..stay the course.
I was just thinkng about “doing what matters”. I think that most of the time, we intuitively know “what matters”, but sometimes it’s easier to focus on issues that are more trivial. Like intending to straighten up the kitchen but instead spending the entire afternoon polishing the toaster…………Oh Zaz, you make me think too much.
Oh, MN – when I was a kid and got sent to my room to clean it, chances are I’d spend the whole day organizing my socks or going through papers. Frustrated the hell out of my parents but I so loved the beautiful organized sock drawer and the other clutter didn’t bother me in the least.
I think it’s hard for me to differentiate what people tell me *should* matter versus what matters to me.
I think you should be proud, there is no shallow goal, the idea that there are such is just an idea put in our head by those who want to be morally superior to others and tell others what to think, I don’t think that even if you just did this for purely selfish reasons like to look prettier (dunno if reducing the pressure one puts on the earth makes one prettier, but that is beside the point, it does make it easier to move though, reduces inertia and all that, so is good for those reasons)
It might just be my point of view of course, but people need to stop thinking that they are shallow for wanting to improve themselves, or desiring nice things for themselves, as long as you are not hurting anyone else you are not doing anything wrong in my book.
I am rooting for you and hoping you lose all the weight you want, and regain your health and gain more happiness along the way, and that you adjust that internal image of yourself to be like I view you, as one of the most amazing, fun, wise, smart, creative and kind people I know.
Oooh! I forgot to mention–you’re only 5 pounds away from being down 2 full Alanna’s!!!
I get caught up in the trap of wanting to wear pretty flowy (skinny people) dresses as a shallow goal myself. I think someone very smart has reminded me several times though that if I don’t allow myself some “for Lel” things that I won’t be able to do anything for anyone else. I think this falls into that category of Zaz needing to take care of Zazzy and therefore does not violate any selfish or shallow rules of the universe
I think one of the differences this time, for me, is that I have (almost, at least) let go of the goal to be a pretty little 23 year old. This has really become a goal of health – watching my life change in a negative way due, at least partially, to my weight finally slapped me upside the head. Sure, there is the fantasy goal that won’t completely go away but what I want is more realistic now. I keep saying that if I can’t walk any better when I’m done, at least I’ll be able to roll around more easily.
Thank you, TDW. I want to be satisfied just being me. Sure, I want to be a better me but before I can expect more from myself, I have to accept myself. Still, I do not see me the way you do. No idea which one of us is right.
Lel, you are very funny sis. Have you ever heard the expression “Do as I say, not as I do?”
I agree with all the aboce comments ald remind you that when the wind is blowing in the direction you want to travel, take advantage of it. Put up all the sails and spinaker and flying jib and go full full speed ahead. That is what I am doing to possibly cure my Neuropathy problem. My goal is to be able to drive a car again and see the world. Fortitude will carry you through.
One Goal, Rendo! It’s a good goal and I hope things are improving for you. Even on the days that we go backward a little in the current the overall progress is good.
79 pounds healthier! Wow! I am so impressed. I stepped on the scale the other day and discovered I had lost 5 pounds. You probably heard me hooting all the way to MO. I believe in patting myself on the back when I do something worth celebrating. Can’t wait for others to tell me I’m good – I tell myself.
How is the weight-loss affecting your diabetes? Are you able to get off some of your meds? Inquiring minds want to know!
You inspire me to keep on trying. Some days it’s so hard to eat right and get a bit of exercise, but I’m not giving up. And that is in large part due to your example. I gotta tell you – you are one of the least shallow people it has ever been my privilege to know.
I’m down to about half of my diabetes meds. I’m not sure it’ll go lower but we’ll see. If I eat any extra carbs my sugars pop back up – which suggests I’m moving toward insulin dependence as we thought. Still, if I can delay that it’d probably be good for me.
You’re very kind to me. I am glad you don’t think me shallow – I find it hard to tell, myself. I hadn’t realized before discussing this how much I’ve internalized that belief. Odd.
And – congratulations! I think you’re a lovely person whether or not you lose weight but I know you’d like to do so. It makes it a bit easier on the joints. We’ll support each other through all this.