In my food and addiction series, I’m trying to examine, consider and write about the issues in a more or less pragmatic manner. But things come up. While I’m trying to understand and really take a close look at how compulsive eating mirrors addiction (at the least) I am also living it.

I am in the middle of a – shall we call it a hump? – depression right now. I deal with some depression much of the time and I have periods more severe depression, of which this is one. One of the unhealthy uses of food is to try to self-treat or mask depression.

The thing is, I reach for comfort foods to feel better. I crave and obsess about foods that my head says will make everything better. Eating can temporarily numb out feelings for me.

The flip side of that is that eating does not make me feel better. It doesn’t help hardly at all, even in the short term. And when I do give in to the impulse and eat, I end up feeling worse, more depressed, beating myself up for my failures once again.

This is not a healthy pattern. This is an addiction pattern. I doubt that I will ever be able to shed this pattern entirely – but we’ll get to that. The understanding of the patterns and behaviors comes before the solving of them, at least the long term solving. In the short term, I need to break the cycle. Each time I don’t eat in response to feelings is a step in the right direction.

All posts in this series.